Scene vii: In which BARISTA is not made of steel

Have you ever seen someone from afar and known that they were going to bring you trouble?


Enter LOOKING FOR A FIGHT LADY (LFAFL).
Note for actors: there are no pauses in this conversation. It is rapid and nonsensical.

BARISTA
Hi, ma'am, what can I get for you?

LFAFL
Yes I'd like a small coffee.

BARISTA

(walks over to the espresso machine to make the drink while talking)

We stop brewing our drip coffee two hours before close so it'll be an Americano instead, if that's ok. It's the same exact bean, just brewed differently.

LFAFL
Yeah sure how much?

BARISTA
$1.92.

LFAFL
And you're just gonna make me stand here?

BARISTA
I'm sorry, I'm making your drink. I'll just be a second. Do you want room for cream?

LFAFL
Yes.

BARISTA
Ok.

LFAFL
But don't put cream in it!

BARISTA
I'm not going to put any cream in it, I'll leave you some room and you can put the cream in yourself, ok?

LFAFL
What are you doing? Are you putting cream in it? I told you not to do that.

BARISTA
I'm not putting cream in it.

LFAFL
Do you always make your customers wait like this?

BARISTA
You've been waiting two seconds. I'm just getting your drink for you.

LFAFL
Why don't you just pour it?

BARISTA
Because I have to grind and pull it. Like I said, it's an Americano.

LFAFL
I don't want an Americano, I want a coffee. And I'm tired of waiting.

BARISTA
Ma'am I already have it here for you. It took me 30 seconds. A small Americano with room for cream.

LFAFL
This isn't a coffee.

BARISTA
Like I said, it's just like a coffee, but brewed differently.

LFAFL
This isn't coffee. This is dirty water.

BARISTA
It really isn't.

LFAFL
I go to Starbucks, I know what coffee is! This is not a coffee. It's not dark.

BARISTA
Our brew is a medium blend, not a dark roast.

LFAFL
You're lying to me. Why can't you just make coffee properly?

BARISTA
You know what? It's on the house. Enjoy.

LFAFL
It's not even full. Put more in it.

BARISTA
You wanted room for cream.

LFAFL
What's wrong with you? The customers come in and they want a coffee and you can't even make a coffee.

BARISTA
We can make a coffee, but so few people order drip coffee at night that we stop brewing it so we don't waste the pot at night, or let it sit and taste bad.

LFAFL
Coffee can sit forever.

BARISTA
No, ma'am, it can't. It'll burn.

LFAFL
I know coffee. You don't know coffee. I go to Starbucks.

BARISTA
Then either take your Americano or go to Starbucks, there's one around the corner. Have a nice day.

LFAFL
You're not made of steel, you know.

BARISTA
I'm sorry?

LFAFL
You're a dishonest person, and you're not as strong as you think you are. I see through your lies.

BARISTA
Good night, ma'am.

I honestly don't even remember how this ends. It's taken two shots of Jose Cuervo to get me this far. Here's how I would've liked it to end though:

(BARISTA throws AMERICANO into LFAFL's face.)

BARISTA
Guess this one's on you afterall.

(YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH. end scene.)