Scene vii: In which BARISTA is not made of steel

Have you ever seen someone from afar and known that they were going to bring you trouble?


Enter LOOKING FOR A FIGHT LADY (LFAFL).
Note for actors: there are no pauses in this conversation. It is rapid and nonsensical.

BARISTA
Hi, ma'am, what can I get for you?

LFAFL
Yes I'd like a small coffee.

BARISTA

(walks over to the espresso machine to make the drink while talking)

We stop brewing our drip coffee two hours before close so it'll be an Americano instead, if that's ok. It's the same exact bean, just brewed differently.

LFAFL
Yeah sure how much?

BARISTA
$1.92.

LFAFL
And you're just gonna make me stand here?

BARISTA
I'm sorry, I'm making your drink. I'll just be a second. Do you want room for cream?

LFAFL
Yes.

BARISTA
Ok.

LFAFL
But don't put cream in it!

BARISTA
I'm not going to put any cream in it, I'll leave you some room and you can put the cream in yourself, ok?

LFAFL
What are you doing? Are you putting cream in it? I told you not to do that.

BARISTA
I'm not putting cream in it.

LFAFL
Do you always make your customers wait like this?

BARISTA
You've been waiting two seconds. I'm just getting your drink for you.

LFAFL
Why don't you just pour it?

BARISTA
Because I have to grind and pull it. Like I said, it's an Americano.

LFAFL
I don't want an Americano, I want a coffee. And I'm tired of waiting.

BARISTA
Ma'am I already have it here for you. It took me 30 seconds. A small Americano with room for cream.

LFAFL
This isn't a coffee.

BARISTA
Like I said, it's just like a coffee, but brewed differently.

LFAFL
This isn't coffee. This is dirty water.

BARISTA
It really isn't.

LFAFL
I go to Starbucks, I know what coffee is! This is not a coffee. It's not dark.

BARISTA
Our brew is a medium blend, not a dark roast.

LFAFL
You're lying to me. Why can't you just make coffee properly?

BARISTA
You know what? It's on the house. Enjoy.

LFAFL
It's not even full. Put more in it.

BARISTA
You wanted room for cream.

LFAFL
What's wrong with you? The customers come in and they want a coffee and you can't even make a coffee.

BARISTA
We can make a coffee, but so few people order drip coffee at night that we stop brewing it so we don't waste the pot at night, or let it sit and taste bad.

LFAFL
Coffee can sit forever.

BARISTA
No, ma'am, it can't. It'll burn.

LFAFL
I know coffee. You don't know coffee. I go to Starbucks.

BARISTA
Then either take your Americano or go to Starbucks, there's one around the corner. Have a nice day.

LFAFL
You're not made of steel, you know.

BARISTA
I'm sorry?

LFAFL
You're a dishonest person, and you're not as strong as you think you are. I see through your lies.

BARISTA
Good night, ma'am.

I honestly don't even remember how this ends. It's taken two shots of Jose Cuervo to get me this far. Here's how I would've liked it to end though:

(BARISTA throws AMERICANO into LFAFL's face.)

BARISTA
Guess this one's on you afterall.

(YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH. end scene.)

Scene vi: This actually happened.

It is 11pm (closing time) at the cafe. Chairs are being put up and the last customers are shuffling out the door.

Enter CRAZY LADY. She walks up to the counter, where the SUPERVISOR is already glaring daggers at her and the clock on the counter.

CRAZY LADY

(Speaking in an accent that implies a south-side origin)

Can I use yo baffroom?

SUPERVISOR
The key's on the bar.

SUPERVISOR points to the bar area where the key, on a large key holder, is in plain view. CRAZY LADY approaches the bar and, while doing an elaborate pee-pee dance, fails to see it. Several moments of this pass.

SUPERVISOR
Here! Here you go.

SUPERVISOR hands over the key, and CRAZY LADY retreats to the hallway area of the bathrooms. CRAZY LADY puts key in door. Struggles. Sounds of failed key turning come from the hallway. SUPERVISOR and BARISTA continue their cleaning duties.

CRAZY LADY
I can't get it!

BARISTA
I can help.

BARISTA, out of the kindness of her heart, walks around to CRAZY LADY, takes the key, and starts to turn it. When suddenly...

CRAZY LADY
I can't wait no mo!

CRAZY LADY then walks out of the enclosed bathroom hallway area--into full view in the open space in the middle of the cafe--drops her pants, squats, and process to piss on the cafe floor.

Beat.

SUPERVISOR
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! HOLY FUCK. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAFE! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!

CRAZY LADY

(in a tone that is not at all apologetic)

I'm sorry I'm DRUNK.

CRAZY LADY stands, does post-pee-pee dance, and waddles out of cafe, pants still hanging off her backside.

After that, there were tears.

end scene.

Scene v: A collection

Every day in every cafe across America, these scenes are unfolding. If it only happens once on a shift, it's a lucky day. We're usually much nicer when in the scene ourselves, but if you're the fifth person in an hour who puts us in one of these scenes, be careful: your coffee might come with a shot of sass.


SETTING: Any cafe anywhere that isn't a Starbucks.

CUSTOMER approaches register.

BARISTA
Hi, how are you today?

CUSTOMER
Yeah, I'll have a tall skinny latte.

BARISTA
I'm doing well, thanks. So, you wanted a small skim latte?

CUSTOMER
No, a tall. You know, a large.

BARISTA
Are you sure that's what you mean?

CUSTOMER
Of course I am, I'm not an idiot!

---------

CUSTOMER
Hi, I'd like a tea.

BARISTA
What kind of tea would you like?

CUSTOMER
A hot one.

BARISTA
We have at least ten different kinds of tea to choose from, sir.

CUSTOMER
Just a regular hot tea!

BARISTA
A black tea, then?

CUSTOMER
Yeah sure, whatever.

BARISTA finishes the transaction, makes the tea, hands it off to CUSTOMER. Ten seconds later, CUSTOMER returns to the bar.

BARISTA
Is something wrong?

CUSTOMER
I wanted a green tea.

BARISTA
You asked for a black tea.

CUSTOMER
Well, that's not what I meant!

---------

The cafe is packed. There is a line of customers at the register, and the BARISTA at the bar is hard at work making drinks. A CUSTOMER walks in, looks at the register line, and approaches the bar.

CUSTOMER
Can I get the key to the bathroom?

BARISTA
The key's available at the register.

CUSTOMER
But there's a line.

BARISTA
Yes, those tend to form around registers.

CUSTOMER
Can't you just grab it? You're standing right by the register.

BARISTA
For health and safety reasons, I don't want to touch the bathroom key while I'm making drinks. But the barista at the register can get that for you.

CUSTOMER
(huffs)
Fine, if you're going to be so lazy about it, I'll just go to the register.

there is no (end) to these (scenes).

Scene iv: Heartbreak cafe

It is Saturday night and the cafe is abuzz. Midterms are approaching and many STUDENTS are seen sitting around the cafe, books open and lattes at the ready.

MUSICIAN, a woman in her early 40's, sits in the corner. She has been invited to play in the cafe as background music for the night, and she strums a guitar and sings while others try to talk over her, with difficulty.

A STUDENT approaches the register, and complains that the music is a little loud. Cue SUPERVISOR, who tentatively approaches MUSICIAN.

SUPERVISOR
Hi, ma'am, thank you so much for playing today, it's so nice. It's just, we have a few students trying to study, so could you turn the volume on your mic down a little?

MUSICIAN

(stares up blankly at SUPERVISOR)

Oh...

(Beat.)

(MUSICIAN begins to cry.)

SUPERVISOR
Oh no. No, no, no.

MUSICIAN

(sobbing)

No one cares about me!

SUPERVISOR
That's not true! It's very nice, but tests are coming up. They like it, but they have to study. Is that ok?

MUSICIAN
Ok.

SUPERVISOR
You ok?

MUSICIAN

(attempting to compose herself)

Yeah, ok.

SUPERVISOR
I'm sorry I upset you. You know what? You just stay here and play however loud you want.

(MUSICIAN nods, sniffling)

SUPERVISOR (cont'd)
Do you want a drink?

MUSICIAN
No, actually, I think I'm just going to go.

SUPERVISOR
Well, ok. If you're sure.

(MUSICIAN begins to pack up and picks up her tip jar, which has a dollar in it.)

MUSICIAN
At least I got a dollar out of it.

SUPERVISOR
Yeah, that's good!

MUSICIAN
Oh wait.

SUPERVISOR
What?

MUSICIAN
I forgot.
I put that in there myself.

(Beat.)

(MUSICIAN resumes sobbing. SUPERVISOR flees.)

end scene.

Scene iii: The elusive cappuccino

Enter CUSTOMER, a man in his 40's dressed in upper middle class clothes and with no warning signs of insanity about his appearance. He approaches the register.

BARISTA
Hi, can I help you?

CUSTOMER
Ah, yes, can I get a small cappuccino, no foam.

BARISTA
No.

CUSTOMER
I'm sorry?

BARISTA
Um, I can't make a cappuccino with no foam.

CUSTOMER
Are you serious? It really can't be that difficult. I just want a cappuccino, hold the foam. How hard can that be?

BARISTA
Sir, you do know what a cappuccino is, right?

CUSTOMER
Of course I know what a cappuccino is! Where is your manager? How dare you be so rude to me!

BARISTA
She's right here.

(gestures to SUPERVISOR standing at the bar)

CUSTOMER

(to SUPERVISOR)

Can YOU make me a cappuccino with no foam?

SUPERVISOR
I really can't.

CUSTOMER
This is outrageous!

BARISTA
Sir, a no-foam cappuccino is a double espresso.

CUSTOMER
If you know what it is then why can't you make it!

SUPERVISOR
One double espresso coming right up.

CUSTOMER
Thank you! Was that so hard?

end scene.