Scene vi: This actually happened.

It is 11pm (closing time) at the cafe. Chairs are being put up and the last customers are shuffling out the door.

Enter CRAZY LADY. She walks up to the counter, where the SUPERVISOR is already glaring daggers at her and the clock on the counter.

CRAZY LADY

(Speaking in an accent that implies a south-side origin)

Can I use yo baffroom?

SUPERVISOR
The key's on the bar.

SUPERVISOR points to the bar area where the key, on a large key holder, is in plain view. CRAZY LADY approaches the bar and, while doing an elaborate pee-pee dance, fails to see it. Several moments of this pass.

SUPERVISOR
Here! Here you go.

SUPERVISOR hands over the key, and CRAZY LADY retreats to the hallway area of the bathrooms. CRAZY LADY puts key in door. Struggles. Sounds of failed key turning come from the hallway. SUPERVISOR and BARISTA continue their cleaning duties.

CRAZY LADY
I can't get it!

BARISTA
I can help.

BARISTA, out of the kindness of her heart, walks around to CRAZY LADY, takes the key, and starts to turn it. When suddenly...

CRAZY LADY
I can't wait no mo!

CRAZY LADY then walks out of the enclosed bathroom hallway area--into full view in the open space in the middle of the cafe--drops her pants, squats, and process to piss on the cafe floor.

Beat.

SUPERVISOR
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! HOLY FUCK. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAFE! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!

CRAZY LADY

(in a tone that is not at all apologetic)

I'm sorry I'm DRUNK.

CRAZY LADY stands, does post-pee-pee dance, and waddles out of cafe, pants still hanging off her backside.

After that, there were tears.

end scene.

Scene v: A collection

Every day in every cafe across America, these scenes are unfolding. If it only happens once on a shift, it's a lucky day. We're usually much nicer when in the scene ourselves, but if you're the fifth person in an hour who puts us in one of these scenes, be careful: your coffee might come with a shot of sass.


SETTING: Any cafe anywhere that isn't a Starbucks.

CUSTOMER approaches register.

BARISTA
Hi, how are you today?

CUSTOMER
Yeah, I'll have a tall skinny latte.

BARISTA
I'm doing well, thanks. So, you wanted a small skim latte?

CUSTOMER
No, a tall. You know, a large.

BARISTA
Are you sure that's what you mean?

CUSTOMER
Of course I am, I'm not an idiot!

---------

CUSTOMER
Hi, I'd like a tea.

BARISTA
What kind of tea would you like?

CUSTOMER
A hot one.

BARISTA
We have at least ten different kinds of tea to choose from, sir.

CUSTOMER
Just a regular hot tea!

BARISTA
A black tea, then?

CUSTOMER
Yeah sure, whatever.

BARISTA finishes the transaction, makes the tea, hands it off to CUSTOMER. Ten seconds later, CUSTOMER returns to the bar.

BARISTA
Is something wrong?

CUSTOMER
I wanted a green tea.

BARISTA
You asked for a black tea.

CUSTOMER
Well, that's not what I meant!

---------

The cafe is packed. There is a line of customers at the register, and the BARISTA at the bar is hard at work making drinks. A CUSTOMER walks in, looks at the register line, and approaches the bar.

CUSTOMER
Can I get the key to the bathroom?

BARISTA
The key's available at the register.

CUSTOMER
But there's a line.

BARISTA
Yes, those tend to form around registers.

CUSTOMER
Can't you just grab it? You're standing right by the register.

BARISTA
For health and safety reasons, I don't want to touch the bathroom key while I'm making drinks. But the barista at the register can get that for you.

CUSTOMER
(huffs)
Fine, if you're going to be so lazy about it, I'll just go to the register.

there is no (end) to these (scenes).